I was going to begin my jujitsu training, and by accident I hear the professor congratulating a lady about her son’s success. It was the first time I saw this lady coming to the jujitsu class. She was wearing a blue belt, which means that she trained most probably at least for 2 years to get that kinda level. The professor, who I respect a lot for his stamina and humble attitude that he shows every time I see him was complimenting a mum for the good job she did as her son succeeded. And I thought: oh my god! Of course, this is it. The pressure that a lot of parents and especially mums carry on their shoulders to make their kids successful.
It is quiet common to congratulate somebody for his achievements. Why wouldn’t it be so? The only problem is when we don’t have any success to be praised about.
It feels good to receive a compliment. To feel successful. The only question I am asking myself is how to sustain a long period of time without those external signs of success.
Let’s imagine a mother of a child with Down's syndrome, or a mother of an autistic child…we can hardly assume that those kids will finish judges in supreme courts of law, or even notorious doctors from a prestigious medical school, not to name any. And it would be totally acceptable because those kids are different from a standard that we assume. Those mums will not be congratulated for that kind of success.
Which reminded me of an incredible experience I had once when I was in the French Parisian Metro. Waiting for the subway to come. I was next to a young man, with a dawn syndrome. He came to me and asked me: “ mam, can I hug you?”. And I did. Surprisingly, without fear, I did. What else to do? He offered me this amazing gift of love. A pure moment of kindness. I am writing these words and feeling so moved again just remembering this scene.
This young man is forever in my heart. He made me understand instantly how precious he is being that different. For him, there was no shame at all asking a perfect stranger a hug. As could do a child by the way. This one was already an adult.
Can you imagine if a normal guy comes to you In a subway station and asks for a hug? That is for sure going to be at least uncomfortable or could escalate to a dangerous point.
Unless this guy has a super emotional intelligence and finds the perfect spot to access your empathy. There are people like that also. I assume also if it was George Clooney, I would accept also the offer without any resistance. What else would you do?
This is it. The down syndrome gentleman. My hero of the day. He showed me a true authentic expression of emotional intelligence. Being authentic, being true with your feelings and showing them off. Not stopping ourselves to show kindness. To show fragility, to show love. Unconditional love. Because, come on, the guy asked for a hug, and left. That’s it. Maybe he felt my emotions on that day and was generous enough to make me feel loved again.
When somebody gives you a genuine hug, you feel loved. You feel warm and relaxed. There is no stress in a bubble of unconditional love. That kind of love that mums have the super power to give. I think everybody will agree on that.
That special love that mums give on a regular basis, free of charge, indefinite supply contract. That love that make those mums responsible for a much bigger success. The success of raising kids to be kind men. For we cannot be kind if we haven’t been loved. Truly, quiet unconditionally…i say quiet unconditionally because I believe it is extremely rare to see true love without any condition in return.
Let me explain why, and this is something I observed just with my kids.
We love our kids, but, I need you to clean your room.
I love you my beautiful daughter, but, please help me out to watch your brother.
I love you my son, but you must do your home work. Yes you need to know by heart the chemical formula of an obsidienne. I don’t care if it is available on the net. Your teacher will fail you if you don’t write it down in your exam.
you see, This I love you but! Is a conditional statement.
I do it often, I try to correct myself and eliminate as much as possible the BUT figure of speech, but my program is full of buts. My subconscious mind has been butted on a regular basis. I have so much been busted with this but that I ended up acting as if I needed to take care of a lot of things. Being on service. Because if I didn’t do so: I wouldn’t get approval. Or validation.
If I don’t go to music class, I will have to face a disagreement. Depending on the intensity of the backfire, in my case it was burning hell…i was 7, I was determined not to go to music again. The teacher was shaming me all the time, and I felt miserable back then. BUT that was unacceptable anyways to skip a class. To give up the dream of my father to be a successful violinist.
It’s only last year, when going through a regressive hypnosis session, with a very light induction, I understood that was one of the reasons why my brain made the decision never say no again.
It’s Because I said NO to go to that class, even if I had all the good reasons on earth to claim that right. I faced a tremendous amount of anger and frustration from my caregiver. Therefore, the subconscious mind makes the logical analysis that when saying no to this caregiver, it is dangerous. The brain takes very logical calculations. He thinks: I am a child, I measure up 1M20, this adults is at least 40% taller, not to mention 300% heavier. It’s dead buddy, you have no chance to survive against this giant. No, No, don’t ever dare saying no again. We will not survive that. So swallow that and nip it mundungus!
In other words, an algorithm is produced. The program is now linking “saying no equals backfire”. Solution to that: “don’t say no anymore, try to please her as much as you can, or+ lie, or + hide the truth”
You see, Conditional is common. It is the rule and It creates tension. This is why if some stranger dares coming to us and asks for a hug, we might kung fu him right away. Because we are not used to unconditional love. Love has a price.
The only problem is that we are humans and scientifically wired to live for that.
We don’t live for being successful.
Come on, nobody makes kids for the sake of changing diapers for an average period of 3 years…per kid! No sleep for several years….per kid! We don’t make kids for all the worry that it carries..PER KID!… We don’t make kids to feel tired, exhausted, discouraged, lonely or even worse. It is so incredibly hard, there must be a suitable reason for that. We already have a million reasons not to make kids. There must be a very good one to do otherwise.
I guess the only reason resides in the hug of my hero of the day. The down syndrome gentleman.
yep! We must be making kids to feel this unconditional love. Not to give unconditional love. But primarily to receive it. It is fair to say so I think. Let’s be honest.
I remember it Especially with my 3rd kid. I was suffering of tremendous anxiety. I needed to feel alive. To feel hope. I needed a huge amount of pure light in my life. And the need to conceive a child was obvious to my heart. My body was ready to welcome a new person in my life. The act of conceiving a child is itself a pure expression of love.
Love is the reason. And I didn’t go to this strategy to give love. I needed first to receive it. It was a very selfish reason. The thing is, I guess. Is that I made the intention to have a child, to receive that kind of blessing. But it is exactly the intention to receive that kind of love that made me realise, feel it in my bones, that loving that much will assure me for a lifelong supply of unconditional love.
I realised, there is no doubt in my mind now. My kids loved me first unconditionally. I DIDN’T! I have no more questioning about it.
My kids, have this incredible ability to forgive me when I am tough with them. when I make mistakes. They love me every morning as it is the first time they met me in their life. They love me just because I am their mother, even if I do less for them some days then the nanny, or the school teacher, or their dad, or their grandma. They just love being around me. They just want to spend time with me. And I know, without a shadow of a doubt that they wouldn’t trade me for any other mum. That’s it. They are part of me, and I am part of them.
I must be somebody who deserves love. As the hero of my day. Love is the answer. So,
My dear loving mums.
My other heroes of everyday.
Congrats to you my fellow mothers
You already cracked the code of life
You already succeeded in nailing it
You already succeeded…
as the point is to give that kinda love..
For you are the source of it…
It comes from your womb….
Another word for the Matrix.
You see all the roads lead to Rome.
All the roads lead to Matrix!
I’ll tell you more about it in the next post.
Love you all,
May you feel this unconditional love wherever you are! Especially you kind and loving mums!
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