The journey of healing started in 2018 for me. My husband sends me this video of Bob Procter. Bob Procter is speaking in it about knowing ourselves. And he states that most people don’t know themselves. The video was a pure gem. 20 min where he just synthesised the whole self development enchilada mechanic.
I remember also that when this journey began, I obviously started to slow down. Seeing things in slow motion, and bumping into a famous French author. Laurent Gounelle.
I find him genius because he just tell stories. But each one is a pure piece of jewellery. Filled with deep scientific work. He certainly have been digging into multiple corners.
In one of his books, “ The Man Who Risked It All”, he tells the story of a young man who was going to kill himself and mysteriously saved by a mystic stranger who promisses him to reveal the secrets to happiness and success. He just needed to commit doing exactly what he commanded him to do. The hero of the story is a head hunter. Ding dong! I was also in the recruitment business by that time. The mysterious mentor targeted specifically the self esteem topic.
I remember reading that in a very early morning. It was during Jeddah Episode One. I remember having this breakthrough. Feeling this burst in my chest.
I felt how much I was hard on myself. How poor was my self esteem. I couldn’t deny it.
It was as if I went out of my body. As in harry potter, I disapparated. I could feel the pain. I felt so much compassion for this person, for me. Why did I go so far on that hurt?
The journey started with acknowledging the self esteem issue. But then, the world of self development is filled with codes and fancy words and plenty of celebrities and people who will all tell you: you need to love yourself.
But honestly guys. If at 40 I am having this diagnosis, it is most likely that I have no clue what is self love.
And guess what: most people don’t know either.
So I followed this rope of finding out what is self love.
And no it is not treating my self with a spa, or having a nice hair cut or even having a nap.
If the symptoms of none self love are obvious for those who know….let me tell you something, it is like looking for my nose in the middle of my face. Everybody sees it, but me.
Though, something happens when you set the intention. If your heart is ready, you will eventually, undoubtedly follow the white rabbit in the whole. You will.
Finding myself in such emotional shake shack, I didn’t understand. I couldn’t identify it. I was so tired. I could not carry on anymore meeting the same people, doing the same mechanical moves.
What is this self esteem secret about?
I didn’t understand. I have a lot of pride sometimes. It’s a strength and a curse at the same time.
When you are like a crow, beware then of meeting a fox.
In 2018, I made a quick 360 degrees tour and I was surrounded by foxes. Everywhere I went, I could see only them.
Somedays I couldn’t believe how unlucky I was, attracting so much of them.
Because, guess what: an arrogant crow with a sneaky fox ends up always losing the battle.
Proud to show how good I was, how perfect I was.
And what on earth am I giving those foxes? What is it that they find so juicy in me.
The answer is very simple: I am giving and not asking anything in return.
You give your time, you give your money…you give your energy….open buffet. So those who have been used to a ration of food as if they were raised in a war zone: well, they smell you from far far away!
The crow is known to be an arrogant intelligent bird…so intelligence is not enough to avoid feeling depleted.
I remember my husband telling that he could read my emotions as an open book.
Everybody knew how I felt, except me. It’s a big problem! Go ask a soldier if it is useful to talk about emotional staff while in a middle of a minefield. He will tell you: go get yourself a camouflage cause you are super vulnerable being that visible!
People will tell you it is your biggest weakness.
The thing about the biggest weakness…guess what: it is automatically also your biggest strength.
This, my friends is a mathematical law! It is the golden rule. So keep it in mind.
Speaking of which, I remember, thanks to Laurent gounelle again. In another of his books, “je te promets la liberty”, which is literally “I promise you Freedom”. He speaks about the enneagram concept.
About those 9 type of personalities. In them, you have a main one, and some other branches. The combination of all of them make us quiet unique. Knowing your enneagram will help you understand what kind of glasses you wear to see the world around you.
It helps tremendously understand why this person is automatically jealous. Or why this one is professional procrastinator, or why this one is so arrogant.
In those scales, you could see that the one who can be arrogant is also able to be the most humble and loving in the room.
The leverage tool is how self esteem there is in the engine. How wise he gets. There are people, you can see automatically which type they are, and there are others, you couldn’t make a bet. It’s like their identity is flowing. No boundary, no limitation. They can choose to be wherever they want. And those profiles are often people with great calmness and serenity. They are the archetypes of a master hoogway. And master hoogway sees clearly, no need of glasses!
Take your biggest weakness. Think every time you were with people who blamed you with your biggest mistakes and flip it: you will discover that it is your biggest power.
I will tell you what. If somebody has been accused of being too chatty. Overly talkative: guess what: his power, his true purpose needs that skill.
You cannot be a good teacher if you don’t like talking!
If somebody tells you you are arrogant to the limit of megalomania. Guess what: you have a super power to be a public figure.
If somebody tells you you are too much difficult. That you don’t follow the rules. You are too original or borderline: you can be proud of yourself! you have the rare power to be a true leader. A real one.
I believe Princess Diana has been accused of being week with her emotions. You are too emotional dear? You have no self control. That was her biggest power. And I recall it was one of the most important one. She was capable of true pure unconditional love. To the point where she moved people. She healed people just being so loving. A candle in the middle of a dark world. We could see only her.
Her power was her true authentic love.
She, also had self esteem issues. That led her to treat herself poorly for years. Her emotional wounds made her suffer mental health problems. I believed she could deal with part of them as she obviously changed her behaviour.
Self esteem became clearer to me when I did most of the work in hypnotherapy. I dealt with my inner child again. I met her, this time in a gamma frequency mode. In hyperconsciousness. I could see that she needed to be nurtured. The little kid I met had the mouth of the joker in batman. She had the archetype of a manipulative child. Haha, so funny, me manipulator kid. Me the favorite dish of a fox.
It is easy to understand. And it is related to the phrase:
Sharing is caring!
You see, and most of us does it with their kids. Please share your toy to this other kid. And even if our child says no. we don’t listen to him. We force him to be kind.
Now imagine you as an adult. And your mum asks you to share your house with a total stranger. And you don’t want to. She tells you sharing is caring.
You will simply tell her to back off. but imagine. Your kid is served with this reason to be kind while he is using his toy.
He will understand that telling the truth about not feeling ok with sharing is not efficient. He will associate saying no is not working for him. Not to mention the amount of anger that he adds up to the expeience.
So he discovers that it is much more efficient to cry than to tell the truth. He discovers manipulation. Because saying the truth is not working out for him.
What about you? When did you feel more generous?
In my case, I am more keen to give, when I know I am not under pressure. I am not afraid to lose my thing. I am serene. I have no pressure.
It’s the same for the kids. By the way, kids are naturally kind. They love you without any condition. When they love, they know what to do. No need to teach them.
So when meeting the inner child , “ joker kid”, I understand the anger issue.
During that session, I spend time with my inner child. And I feel a huge amount of love towards her. I discover her. I love being around her. The feeling is so intense that I couldn’t deny it anymore…I am lovable, I am!
Loving myself came from loving the child I was. Healing her from her wound. That was a big step toward self esteem.
Because I think self esteem is the practical measure of self love. How do you value yourself otherwise?
How much do you worth yourself?
This guy on instagram gave me the missing tool. #Thekindlyreminder man.
“Know your worth” he says.
And bam! it comes to my mind.
I have a limiting belief: I am not worth it!
It can be built up in multiple ways.
First of all. I watched my mother work hard. Do a lot. Do more for us, for a lot of bunch of people and never asking for a dime. That, I think is the biggest nerve. But there was another one, in my case, I have developed a defence mechanism. I needed to protect myself from too much agressivity by being overly kind.
The side effect by being always the good girl. Well you build up some serious enemies. And you don’t even recognise it …because guess what: you don’t believe that you are worth a dime. So anything you do…is simply not enough and never will be.
So I reframed that in another hypnosis session. This time I used the big machine. I went into a deep transe and changed the program to “ I know my worth. I am worth love and I am worth success, and I am worth financial success”
Bam! there I touched the nuclear bomb. My biggest wound: the betrayal wound was actually layered in multiple areas.
What happened is quiet amazing. Surprisingly, I started seeing some faces differently. Some people started showing their true selves. Where I saw genuine smiles were actually unauthentic ones.
It’s like seeing suddenly vampires teeth. People smiled larger smiles and I saw the teeth. I felt them.
I knew something changed. I started feeling less fear of rejection. I felt more at peace with making mistakes.
I suddenly was more focused on my goals. Where I was struggling learning a new skill, it became easy peasy.
I felt it,
As if the road was emptied from many rocks and bumps.
I became more cautious. Didn’t need to trust anymore with no precaution.
The foxes became easier to spot. I wouldn’t have bet on some of them.
The reason I am telling this story is that no matter how I became a ninja training to fight foxes and vampires. Which requires to control a lot. So it requires a lot of energy.
Being a control freak is just a fear of being betrayed. And I simply feared that because the wound wasn’t healed.
The moment you face this wound. You don’t have anymore the problem of saying no. or to make mistakes.
You end up not accepting, under any circumstances, from whoever it is, to let you feel crap about yourself. At the beginning, you will take time. And than it will strike you.
Who do you think you are to make me doubt myself worth.
Basta. Good day to you sir!
And you will move on.
You will say no, and you will forgive yourself more easily.
That is the super power of knowing your worth.
No more guilting or shaming, you will feel lighter. You will become your best friend. No more self sabotage. No more fake friends. No more toxic people, even if it is your family members.
No more bullshit.
Simple.
It took me 7 years to understand it. Most of the breakthroughs came thanks to the hypnotherapy work. I believe it could have taken much longer.
I am so grateful to be in that space now. And guess what: the biggest side effect of it: I am more loving. I am less judgemental. I can now, with serenity put myself in others people’s shoes.
Now I see the self esteem issue. I know how it feels.
With all my love,
And my respect,
I wish you a peaceful day.
Lamia
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